If I tried to talk about everything that happened in my relationship to make me have the trust issues that I do, we’d be here a while. I’d try to explain to you what would happen and then try to defend him by telling you, “he really is a great guy!” or “he is really good at his core I swear.” or “I know, that’s super awful, but you should have seen the way he was with me. And my family! He’s not a bad guy.” and I still stand by the fact that I don’t think he is truly a worthless man. That being said, I was really hurt by a lot of things. Over a long period of time. Coming to grips with that reality is hard, because I invested so much of myself into this guy, this relationship, this idea that hard work heeds solid results. My efforts were thwarted nearly every time I made progress in the trust department and it set me further and further back each time. But I still forged on, because I thought, “Okay. We love each other. We have to keep working at this. I have to keep trying to trust.” But he wasn’t being honest with me. And he wasn’t earning it. And then I reached my breaking point.
Do I still wonder if there’s a chance for us someday? Of course I do. We had really, really good times. Despite all the BS, I was happier with Wes than I ever was with any guy, dating or not, and I was the realest version of myself I think anybody has ever seen. Ever. And it was accepted and loved and laughed at when it was supposed to be laughed at and it was just so lovely to feel like I didn’t have to put on a show for anybody. I just was, and it was accepted.
Wes and I have talked recently about trying to stay in touch, because we care about each other and I think it’s normal for people who end relationships to want to keep that line of communication open. And I thought that I would be able to do it. I knew it wouldn’t be nearly as much, but I thought if we could at least talk every now and again I’d have peace of mind that he was doing okay. I even started to open my mind and heart up to the idea of dating. Not getting into a relationship, but dating. A wise person once told me that if you can find someone who it’s just “easy with” after a hard breakup, that it softens the blow a little bit. I thought I was ready for that. But tonight, as I was laying on the couch in my damn snuggie watching Parenthood, I came to the realization that if I was starting to think these things, so was he. Even though he swears up and down that I’m the one he still wants the most, I know that isn’t going to stop him from seeing what else comes his way, if it comes his way.
…And I lost it. Bawling on the couch. I’m not okay with the idea of him moving on. And this made me realize that I’m really not okay with me moving on either. Not now. Not like that. Who was I kidding? I don’t need to be opening my heart up to the idea of someone else fulfilling it romantically. I just need to be surrounding myself with people; people to laugh with and talk to about mundane things, people to sit on the balcony with and drink coffee and talk about the meaning of life, people to have go to happy hour with, people to have fun with. I need people in my life who can help take my seeds of heartbreak and harvest them into something positive. I think that is truly how you move on.
I need to grow as a person and rise from the ashes as a better me. And hope with all of my being that Wes is going to do the same. Maybe the people we are supposed to become will be infinitely better together than the people we were. Maybe they won’t. Maybe he needs to see other people to reach that point. I need to okay myself with that possible reality. I don’t know how, but I’m going to try. And for the love of Pete, I’m going to try to make some damn friends.